I received a text from a dear friend with a tender heart. Someone who gives all of themselves and is deeply hurt when others don’t return that same love:
You know that I have a heart for others. I want others to be at peace. I want others to see people as human. And I want that in return from people I am invested in.
So, what are some appropriate barriers that I can do put in my mind to not have the expectations of people that I do? Or to help my heart for others be protected from being hurt by people that don’t give anything to my expectations? Do these questions even make sense?
First, I think we need to acknowledge that a soft heart is much better than a hard heart. If Jesus is our role model, I think everyone would agree that He cared more than any of us, and we know of His tears. So never, ever think that your soft heart is something that needs to be “fixed.”
Second, we need to remember that Jesus says we should measure ourselves the same way we measure others. That means bringing an attitude of humility from the knowledge of the times we have not been who we should have been with others. In some cases it was a failure on our part. In other cases their expectation of us may not even have been reasonable, but in their minds we disappointed them–just as we are feeling they disappointed us.
With that foundation, the word that jumps out to me from your note is “expectations.” To me, there is a world of difference between expectations and hopes. We can, and should, hope for the very best from everyone and for everyone. But do we have the right to expect that? What expectations are appropriate, and what are unreasonable?
Tiffani and I made a verbal contract with each other before God at our wedding, giving us the right to have higher expectations of each other than people who haven’t made such a contract. But the truth is that I sometimes disappoint her with my actions. She would rather that not happen, of course, but she doesn’t expect that I always act perfectly–despite the formal contract we made. That would be an unreasonable expectation.
You and I have an informal contract with each other before God, because of our regular professions of love for each other. We have the right to expect a level of concern for each other’s welfare that others don’t have a right to expect of us. Note that this is separate from a family relationship, which is based on the whims of who people sleep with and don’ t necessarily have an element of committed love.
I decided to get creative and try a diagram of what I’m thinking. There are layers of expectations that are appropriate. In the center is God, who will always be looking out for us. Isn’t it interesting, though, that even though He is always working things out for good He doesn’t always meet our expectations? Clearly the problem there can only be that our expectations of Him are unreasonable! That is usually because we want him to do what we want–even though He knows better than we do what is best.
The next layer is with people who have made a formal commitment to unite with us for life. This is why it’s entirely unreasonable for people to have the same level of expectations for a live-in. Those people have consciously avoided making a commitment.
In the next layer I would put Christians. This one is fuzzy, because so many people claim to be a Christian but have never shown any fruit that would support that claim. For true Christians, though, we have a right to a level of expectations that allow us to gently point out things as described in Galatians 6:1(NLT): Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.
The next layer is family. The level of expectation that is appropriate here is cultural, being different between Asians than Westerners, different from Northerners to Southerners, different from Latinos to Anglos, etc.
Finally, the rest of the World. While our culture has created some implied expectations for human interactions, we really can’t place expectations on people. They have no obligation to God or to us. We can hope for great behavior from these folks, but we can’t expect it. As Tony Evans puts it, “Of course they’re sinning. They’re sinners! That’s their job! If we want to see a change in them, our best path is to lead them to Jesus!”
So with all of that being said, I think the level of hurt you feel is going to be based on whether you 1) look at others humbly, recognizing that you are not always acting the way they want you to, and 2) keep your hopes high, but your expectations at a reasonable level–knowing that even God is not going to meet your unreasonable expectations, and 3) remember that Jesus, too, was let down by people who disappointed Him. But He kept loving.
Thoughts Along the Way 